Average. I think I may just be average. The question is – am I okay with that?
So, I’m talking with a co-worker-come-friend with whom I have so much in common that it’s borderline scary (yet cool). And it was during this particular morning chat over coffee (her) and tea (me) that I became extremely self-aware. A revelation … a deeper understanding of something I’d already known about myself but had never put into words, let alone made an excuse for it.
I’ve never been accused of being overly ambitious. I’m FULL of good ideas. I’m a total starter with big dreams and great intentions. But rarely do I turn those ambitions into a completed anything. I don’t really excel at any one thing that could potentially get me far in life or that I could make a career out of. Rather, I have the potential to excel at a number of different things but have ZERO motivation to take any of those talents or skills to that next level.
It’s not for lack of confidence, though that has been an issue from time to time. The ol’ “but am I really good enough to do something with this?” type of second-guessing of my capabilities. But … no. It just really boils down to lack of motivation, laziness and lack of commitment.
I walked away from morning chat / therapy session with the realization that: there isn’t ONE thing that I’m so passionate about that I would do whatever it took to make the dream a reality. Let me give you some examples:
I have always wanted to play the piano. I sing. I’ve written songs. I absolutely LOVE music. I’ve often felt dwarfed in this area because I cannot play my own music. I’ve attempted piano lessons twice – once even staying committed up to a year with once-a-week, half hour lessons. It was the practicing on my own time that I had a difficulty committing to. While I REEAAALLLYYYY want to play … I don’t want to play badly enough to discipline myself and sit there at least 30 minutes every day to practice. Even bought a nice piano … that is currently collecting dust and making me feel guilty every time I walk past it.
Photography. Oh my – how I absolutely enjoy photography. I have a good eye and an artistic flair. I would be more than good at it. But do I want to invest time in taking a class and studying up on technique? Learn the ins and outs of this skill set? Sounds good. But alas – No. I can guarantee I wouldn’t even read the user manual on how to use the camera … until I get so frustrated that I’m ready to toss it across the room. Dream over before it ever even began.
I’ve tried knitting. Figured I could make my own scarves and beanies and blankets. Save a ton of money. Use them as gifts even. Couldn’t get the hang of it within a week so I lost interest. Besides, who needs the head ache when you have a 30% coupon from Kohls? Problem solved.
Started crafting – making handmade cards and calendars. Bought all kinds of crafting “necessities” from Stampin Up. Michael’s employees knew me like my Starbucks barista knows my order. This hobby actually lasted a good 2-3 years. But, as do all things with me, it seemed to have run its course and I lost interest. My crafting table and toys sit on the opposite wall from my piano. They tag-team me with the guilt trips. But to get rid of them all would be to admit defeat. Besides … you know – what if I want to dabble in them again one day?
And the list goes on. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Just HAD to take gymnastics like my older cousin. Two months in, at the age of 6 – I’d had enough. Bored. No longer interested. Refused to go.
As I was talking with my co-worker AKA “Bestie”, it was becoming clear – I’m just average. Nothing peaks my interest enough that I would do anything and everything to succeed at it (well, with the exception of my marriage). Nothing inspires me enough to stay committed to it so that I could break into that ABOVE average category.
Bestie reassured me that this is “normal” … that there are many out there just like us. And I started to think that maybe I should embrace this mantra. That this is who I am and it’s okay to be this way. So what if I’m talented in many areas but don’t excel in any one of them. So what if I have a ton of potential yet no motivation. So what if I don’t really have a particular niche. I should just accept that this is who I am and it’s normal and it’s okay.
Problem is … I’m not okay with it. I’m not comfortable with the idea of wasting natural talents and skills that God has given me. I feel like a lazy ass who decides against doing certain things because it’s going to require extra time and effort. Try as I may, I just can’t be at peace with accepting mediocrity. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t have to be well-renowned and recognized for my accomplishments. But to just see something through to the end … start to finish with all the work required in between.
The other problem is … I don’t know how to propel myself out of this average, mediocre hole I’ve been stuck in all my life. How to stay inspired enough to see projects past the idea stage all the way to completion.
I am absolutely sure of this one thing:
I can’t rest knowing that I have the capabilities of graduating life with high honors … but am willing to accept skating by with a C average because it’s all I need to pass.