Dear Elf on the Shelf …


You are a creepy little **expletive**!!!

Seriously folks – right up there with clowns for me.


doesn’t get creepier than Pennywise

I don’t care if this earns me some coal in my stocking. I must speak out! (totally cracking up laughing at myself while writing this)

Don’t get me wrong  – I love me some holiday traditions … really, I do. But this Elf on the Shelf business is WHACK (yes, I just busted out the 90’s vernacular)!

From what I gather, parents use this doll to manipulate their kids into behaving … that this elf is watching (flashback to 1984 … the book not the genre) and then reports what he sees to Santa (tattletale).

You know, there’s this old fashioned method of making your kids behave that has worked like a charm for generations. It’s called an ass whoopin! (If you need instructions, I’ll give you my mom’s contact info. She was a pro.)

In summary, this “elf” is really just a creepy snitch, one bozo nose away from the clown family, who belongs in the garbage (someone else’s garbage preferably) not on a shelf in my home (especially if he’s known for popping up in different places everyday – freaky!).

The only elf I want to make part of my Christmas tradition is this cotton headed ninny muggins:




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